Single White Female Reader Seeks Main Character Companion

Me:

– An avid but often frustrated Reader seeking out a Main Character whose story involves plot, substance, and as little pointless romance as possible.

– I love to laugh and have a great sense of humor, but I’m willing to share in your pain as you struggle against your ultimate nemesis, group of villains, next door neighbor, or meglomanical demon prince overlord. 

– I enjoy reading anywhere and everywhere. I would definitely enjoy settling down for a quiet afternoon or evening read sans interuptions. With you.  

– I can offer you a place on my bookshelf and a positive reviews in exchange for you not making me want to throw your book down a flight of stairs.

You:

– Written in third person is preferred, but first person is acceptable. Bonus points if you’re one of many main characters and most of the book isn’t solely from your point of view.

– Strongly motivated and task-oriented. You have a goal, mission, journey, task, etc. and you’re going to see it through to the bitter end.

– Aware of what you are and working on embracing it instead of being resistant and useless for half a book. Sure, maybe it was only yesterday that you learned you were part of a royal family of cave trolls, but you’re working towards accepting it.  

– Multi-tasker with the ability to prioritize. You can date and solve cases at the same time, but you will also cancel dinner reservations when there’s a serial killer on the loose.

– Jack/Jill of Various Trades, Master of Few. You have skills and you use them BUT you can’t do everything. Bonus points if you know people who can do the things you can’t. Even more bonus points if you don’t critique the way they do their job.

– You are caring of those around you including but not limited to your friends, family, plucky sidekick, or mentor. If you’re in a relationship, you’re still capable of being a good friend, sister, brother, uncle, mother, etc. 

– Capable of some level of empathy. You may not like or agree with everyone, but you do understand where others are coming from. Bonus points if this occurs on a regular basis or without prompting from a boyfriend, BFF, or sidekick.

– You have a team that either complements you in some way or adds humor or pathos to your life, journey, mission, or quest. That way even when I feel like I’m stuck living in your head, I still will get to have other characters to like. You can either love, hate, or be ambivilent towards your cohorts. Either approach will be entertaining.  (Optional but strongly preferred!)

Don’t Apply If:

– You are incompetent even though your job requires you to be capable.

– Without anything to indicate that you are or ever will be, you still somehow think of yourself as a special snowflake. And so does everyone else in your story.

– You have a tendency to Info Dump in a relentless, unbelievable way that leaves me wondering if you are the sole contributor to Wikipedia. This goes double if you Info Dump on topics that would be overly familiar to most readers.

– No priorities and no ability to multi-task. Your goal, task, mission objective, case, etc. matters to you only when it is convienient to your plot because you’re trying to make it last for as many books as possible.

– You have no real friends. OR You treat all members of your gender as if they are competition and your “friends” are all guys who want to date you.

– You are constantly judging others and acting superior for no apparent reason.

– Profound lack of empathy. If you stub your toe, it’s the end of the world. If someone else becomes a borderline psychopath because of the trauma they’ve endured as a small child, you expect them to suck it up and cope.

– You have a wingman, partner, associate, etc. who is disgusting, abrasive, brutish, or lacking in manners who is in your book to make you seem open-minded and lovely by comparision. If you just have a barbarian around because you’re on a quest, that’s one thing. If you have to have some jerk around to make you seem like a saint, that’s another.

 – You are something supernaturally montrous and you either a) can’t figure out what you are for over 200 pages or more when it is obvious, b) hate what you are well past the point of it adding to the story in any way, or c) plan on moping for a quarter of a century, which makes your book exceedingly dull. If you’re also fluffy, sparkly, or safe for tweens to be around, that’s even worse. (Non-Negotiable. If this sounds like you or the novel you hail from, please do not contact me.)